Soen ni Natte Ita Osananajimi to Seki ga Zengo ni Natta - Chapter 10 English

 Chapter 10

 I was dazed for a while.  ... I am surprised.  I guess I can't do anything right now without Iori's support.  Iori says I have to think about it.  Think... Think...

 (Did you realize that you can actually be quite unlikable?)

 ... I know.

 I knew that if I said, "Don't talk to me," he wouldn't like me.

 (...Earlier, you were crying because Kashiwagi-kun hated you, but maybe Kashiwagi-kun is more hurt than you are now because he doesn't know......your reason. ...Do you realize what was done?)

 I didn't... realize this.

 I feel like I've been hit in the head, because three years ago I said something horrible that made he hard to talk to me, and he still avoids me to this day.  That's all I know.  I don’t know about it until she told me that I realized that the reason Kota avoided me was not because I told him not to talk to me, but because I hurt him by saying that.  I didn't even realize what I had done until Iori told me.

 (You said you wanted to make up, but are you trying to apologize because wanting to make up? If you're apologizing not because you've done anything wrong but because you want to be friends with your childhood friend again, I think it's rude to Kashiwagi-kun.  You should apologize properly and apologize before you make up with him.)

 Obviously, I wasn't thinking “Let's apologize because I wanted to make up!”.  But until a moment ago, my main reason for apologizing was “because I wanted to make up”.  If you say it's rude, I think so.  I have more important things to think about than whether I can't talk to Kota anymore or whether I want to be friends with Kota again.  I have hurt him.  Therefore, I must sincerely apologize for that.  It was clear to me, but I didn't understand it at all.

 Remembering what I was thinking during the third lesson.

 (I know Kota hates me a lot.)

 (Ugh, I guess I can't talk to… Kota again…)

 (Please, give me another chance.)

 Now that I think about it, how selfish I was.  I was wondering how hurt he was when I suddenly told him “don't talk to me”.  How painful would it be if I was told "don't talk to me".  It's a bit selfish of me to want to talk to Kota again after I rejected him and hurt him a lot.  What kind of folly is asking for another chance when you're the one who rejected him?  I cried, and now I think that I don't even have the right to cry.

 I want to make up and be friends again like before.  My feelings of love, which I realized after I rejected him and stopped talking to him, didn't change.  But more than that, I must apologize.  I want to sincerely apologize.

 If after that he tells me that we can be friends again, then I guess I'll have to accept it.  It was completely my own fault.

 I guess I wouldn't have noticed it if Iori hadn't told me.  I will never realize that all this time I was only thinking about myself.

 I felt a little refreshed and calm, realized how selfish I was, and I listened carefully to the lessons for the fifth and sixth lessons, and then school ended for the day... I wonder what material the teacher taught in the third lesson.  I don't remember at all.

 "Kana, let's go."

 "Uh, yeah."

 Club activities were held in the classroom, so we walked slowly together to the classroom.

 We walked slowly, but there were still a few people left in the class, and we waited until they left.  We didn't speak a word during that time, partly because of what we talked about during our lunch break.

 People disappeared from the classroom and here’s only the two of us left.



 "Thank You."

 “If Iori hadn't told me, I wouldn't have noticed itu.  I was very selfish and didn't think about Kota at all.  I didn't know that I had hurt him.  I didn't realize I had to apologize sincerely without thinking about making up or anything, even though it was obvious.  ...I will properly apologize to Kota.  That's the first step."

 When I said that and saw Iori's expression, she seemed a little happy.

 “…In that case, let's work together.  The first step is to apologize properly.  …apologize properly, and then we'll think about what to do next after that.”

 Iori told me so.  I was wondering if Iori would tell me that I could no longer work together with her but she said so and I felt very relieved.  I cried because I was so happy she wanted to work together with me.

 “Ugh, ugh...”

 "Hey, why are you crying?"

 "Thank you.  Thank you very much."

 "Yeah, let's do our best."

 I cried for a while.  Iori waited for me to calm down before starting to speak.

 “As I said in my message, I still think you should ask your parents to help you.  I know it's difficult to explain the situation to your parents, but… as it is now, it looks like you won't get a chance to talk to him.”

 "Yes, I will.  I'll tell about it to my mother, then I'll ask her if I can speak to Kota’s mother too.  If I try to talk directly to Kota, he will run away…”

 "Yes that's correct.  You'll find it easier to talk to him if you've decided when to talk to him.”

 Then, we decided to talk about what to do from now on and try our best to be able to talk to him during Golden Week.  After that, we did some club activities and then went home.

Translator: Janaka


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